Lullaby Princess

Time

2006-04-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how fast time flies by. It feels like just yesterday that I arrived here is Massachusettes and started college. Now the semester is almost over and exams are looming. Soon, I will be in Seattle with Aaron and Alison. I can't wait to see them and catch up. After my vacation with my friends on the West Coast, I will finally be returning Oakdale for the rest of the summer. I can't wait to finally go home. I wonder how everyone is. Has anyone changed? I'm sure my grandmother is still my grandmother. That's one thing I know will never change! Luke's having a hard time, I hope I can help him in any way he needs me. Aunt Lily's pregnant and I'm so excited about my newest cousin! I wonder if the baby is a boy or girl. Mike and Katie have finally set a date! The wedding is set for June. I'm so happy for Aunt Katie, I hope I will be able to attend the ceremony! I know it will be beautiful. I hear that my grandmother's new book, Oakdale Confidential, is causing quite the stir. I can't wait to read it and find out who wrote it! Sounds juicy!

Summer Plans

2006-03-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

So, since there is only a little over a month left of school, I've been thinking about what I'm going to do this summer. I already have my road trip planned with Alison and Aaron in May after exams, but what about the rest of the summer? What I'm trying to get at is that I think I want to go home to Oakdale this summer. Dusty's death has really taken a toll on me and I've realized that I can't take anything for granted. It's been so long since I've seen my family. I haven't seen them, except my mom, since I left for Williams. I haven't seen Daddy since he went away to prison. I hope he's ok and knows that, no matter what he's done, that I still, and always will, love him. I miss Aunt Lily, Uncle Holden, and Luke, Faith, and Natalie. I could even baby sit the girls this summer. With Aunt Lily being pregnant, I know she'll need the rest and I'd love to spend time with my little cousins. Luke could definitely use someone around. This Jade girl seems very suspicious, I hope he keeps his guard up around her. And I miss my grandmother so very much. She's my hero and I want to be there for her since I couldn't while she was going through her surgery. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her and I want to spend as much time as I can with her. Finally, maybe being in Oakdale for the summer will help me say goodbye to Dusty. I miss him so much is hurts. I just hope they find him and maybe we can pick up where we left off. A girl can dream, right?

Cape Cod

2006-03-20T16:53:00.000-08:00

It's Spring Break and I'm here in beautiful Cape Cod, Massachusettes. My friends and I went to the beach today, but we only played football, looked for shells, and had a picnic since the water is so cold. We're going out for lobster tonight and I can't wait! YUM! Alison called the other night and we talked for two and a half hours about Williams, Seattle, Oakdale, and rehashed old memories. I also talked to Aaron for awhile. It was so good to hear their voices again. Spring Break's been great, it's been nice to get my mind off of all the things that have happened lately both at school with work and in Oakdale with Dusty. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like he's gone. I always thought I'd know if he was to ever leave me because I would feel so empty. Dusty and I are more connected than any two people on this planet. I think I'd know if he was really gone. It's like I expect him to just appear out of nowhere, alive and well. Crazy, huh?

Life and Family

2006-03-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

I have a lot to get off my chest, so I guess I'll post twice today. Dusty's death has really hit me hard and it's made me think alot lately about what I want to do with my life and re-evaluate what's important to me. Family comes number one for me. I miss them so much. Seeing my mother here in Massachusettes has been great. I've really missed her since I've been away. Even though he's done so many horrible things, I deeply miss my father. I love him so much and I know he loves me more than anything. I just wish I could see him. I'll never take my family for granted, they mean too much to me. I hope they know that. I don't know what I'd do if I lost them too.

Rest in Peace, My Love

2006-03-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

What am I going to do? I can't believe Dusty is gone, just like that. The love of my life, dead before I could tell him how much I still, and always will, love him. I haven't told anyone here, because they all assume that I'm over Dusty and, mostly, because I just don't want to talk about it. Nobody here knows Dusty, our relationship, what we've been through together, or what we mean to each other. I cried for about an hour after my grandmother called with the news. Rob knows something is wrong, but what am I supposed to tell him? "I'm sorry, the love of my life that I never got over just died and I'm so heartbroken that I can barely function?" It just feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I can't make the pain go away. It kills me to think that I'll never see, touch, or kiss him ever again. I'll never feel his arms around me. I'll never feel the electricity between us when we look at each other. To be honest, I guess I've never given up on a future with Dusty even though I know we've both "moved on." I always pictured us married, living in Oakdale with our children. Now, I'll never have that dream. So what am I supposed to do now?

Midterms and Summer Break

2006-02-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

So, lately I've been bogged down with midterms for my classes here at Williams. I hate all the pressure that comes with this time in the semester. The only good thing about midterms is that it signifies that half the semester is over and there is only half left until summer break. I can't wait until summer! I have an awesome road trip planned with Alison and Aaron on the west coast. I can't wait to go to the beach because it's crazy cold here in Massachusettes in the winter. I need some sun, warm weather, the beach, and a good book. Yeah, that sounds like the life! Beach, here I come!

Paul Ryan

2006-02-23T15:46:00.000-08:00

I guess this is old news, but I've been thinking about Paul's suicide lately. It just seems so weird. A long time ago, I had a huge crush on Paul, and I thought we should be together. And now he's killed himself. I guess I just never thought that would be something Paul would do. All I know is what Grandmother has told me. He kept my little brother away from his mother and it almost ruined Jennifer's life. But, all this just doesn't add up. It doesn't explain why would Paul just go and kill himself. It seems to me he would try and do anything to get back in Jen's good graces. It doesn't make any sense. Not to mention, I was told that no body was found. How can the Oakdale PD say Paul committed suicide when there is no body?! Shouldn't Lieutenant Munson know better than to close a case when there isn't a body? I mean, it wouldn't be the first time someone was presumed dead in Oakdale only to show up alive and well. In fact, it's happened to Paul once before! Then again, this is the same Lieutenant Munson who chased Alison, Aaron, and I all over the country trying to arrest Aaron for a crime his own son, Will Munson, committed.

Poor Katie

2006-02-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

I feel so horrible for my aunt Katie. She called today to check up on me and she told me that Mike had to go to Europe for a couple weeks to help his brother, Mark, with a construction project in Latvia. They are in the middle of planning their long overdue wedding and now Katie has to plan it alone? I feel really bad for her. She loves Mike sooooo much, I know she's going to miss him terribly. I only hope that the weeks pass by fast, so that Katie won't be too lonely without the love of her life. She's been burned by former loves, and Mike is a dream come true for her. I know they'll be very happy together. I hope Katie gets the wedding of her dreams, she definitely deserves it.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T17:26:00.000-08:00

Well, it the most romantic day of the year. Once again, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about Dusty when I woke up this morning. I can't help it. It's not easy to get over the love of your life. But, Rob, the sweetheart that he is, gave me a beautiful card, some delicious chocolates, and a dozen red roses. I couldn't ask for a better guy. I do feel bad, though, because I think Rob knows my heart is not all there with him. I think he senses that when I see him, I see someone else. It's not all bad, though, Rob really means alot to me and every day we get closer. He told me today that he was willing to wait for me and I've decided to give our relationship everything I have. It's not fair to him to be so closed up all the time. I may never feel for Rob what I feel for Dusty, but I'm willing to try and, who knows, maybe I can fall again. Rob is a good guy and he's so sweet to me. I can make this work.

Long Lost Relatives

2006-02-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how many long lost relatives just appear in Oakdale. Recently, my aunt Katie and her financée, Mike, welcomed Mike's never before mentioned cousin, Nick, to Oakdale. He even replaced Jack at the Oakdale PD. And now, Rose's daughter has arrived in Oakdale. Nobody even knew Rose had a daughter! Why are we even surprised anymore when strange people show up claiming to be our relatives? It only happens all the time! And where do these people come from?!

The Oakdale Three

2006-02-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

One of the things I miss most about being away at college is my friends. I know it seems like my entire life revolves around Dusty, but I did have friends my own age back in Oakdale. Aaron Snyder and Alison Stewart are my best friends in the entire world. We've been through alot together. Some good, some...not so good! But we were always were there for each other. When Aaron was accused of arson, the three of us went on the run to prove his innocence. We became known as the Oakdale Three. We really bonded then and even proved Aaron's innocence! Ali was even thought to be the culprit, only to learn that the police chief's son was one who really started the fire, but that's an even longer story. And even though Ali was the reason I was hit by a bus and had amnesia, after time, we forgave and forgot. Aaron and Alison are now a couple and living in Seattle tending to Aaron's sick mother. I'm so happy for them, they are in love, happy, and are together. I wish I could see them again. I really miss them. Aaron's a great guy and Ali, well, she's our Ali! She's bubbly, spunky, and a little crazy, but I wouldn't have her any other way! Maybe I'll go out to Seattle this summer and we can catch up. It'd be great to see them again.

Moving On

2006-02-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

I know Dusty can't sit around Oakdale waiting for me, and I didn't expect him to, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it bothered me a little that Dusty has moved on without me. I don't know all the details, only what I hear from my family and I don't ask about Dusty because I don't want anyone to know how much I really miss him. All I know is that he was with Meg Snyder until it was discovered that my little brother, John Dustin, was alive and then he began seeing Jennifer Munson. I don't know if it's serious, and if it is, how serious. And as much as I dream that one day Dusty and I will be together again, I'm happy knowing he is happy. Honestly. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that Dusty has found peace. I'll always believe that Dusty and I belong together, but I truly just want him to be happy. Besides, I've been dating since I came to college too, so it'd be really hypocritical and unfair of me to be upset that Dusty is doing the same. Rob is a great guy and we have lots of fun together. Any girl would be lucky to be with him. I know that he cares about me, and I really care about him too. He's just not Dusty. I don't think anyone can mean what Dusty means to me.

Family

2006-02-03T08:56:00.001-08:00

My family means more to me than anything in my entire life. That's why it kills me to be so far away from them, especially right now. My father, who I've looked up to since I was a little girl, is in prison. His son, my little half-brother, who we all thought died at birth, is really alive! He is six months old now and I haven't even seen him, though I'm not sure if Jennifer would want any of my father's family near her son anyway. My cousin, Luke, just had a kidney transplant, he's dealing with some of his issues, and I hate that I'm not there to help him through it. Aunt Lily and Uncle Holden renewed their wedding vows. I would've liked to be at the ceremony. I'm sure Mom wanted to be there for her sister, but she's visiting me here at school and had to miss it. Speaking of happy couples, Aunt Katie has finally found happiness with Mike and they are engaged! I hope I can make it to their wedding, I'm know Katie will be a beautiful bride and I'm happy for her. However, what kills me the most is that my grandmother, Lucinda, is battling cancer. She's begged me not to come home, that I should stay in school and not worry about her. I can't help but worry. She means the world to me and I don't know what I'd do if I lost her. All I can do is pray for her and follow her wishes. But I don't have to like it.

Finding Myself

2006-02-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

I realized after yesterday's post that people may wonder, "If you love Dusty so much, why did you leave him?" Well, my life story is rather complicated (and if you've ever been to Oakdale, you'd understand why! LOL), but the easiest way to put my decision was that I had to find myself. I know that sounds like a typical teenage cliché (my 17 year old cousin, Luke, is going through a similar "finding yourself" phase), but it really was true. Ever since I was a little girl I had always been overprotected. My father thought he had to keep an eye on me every second of the day or something would happen to me. I guess I can understand his feelings, especially since I moved in with him after my brother, Bryant, died in a car accident. He was afraid of losing his only remaining child, but it got to be too much. He hated when I wanted to date Aaron and did everything he could to stop us from being together. He didn't want to let his little girl, his "lullaby," his "sweetness" go. It wasn't just that I was overprotected by my family, that's that I depended on them, which I suppose is normal for a teenager, but I felt that I depended on them too much. Growing up, I depended on my parents and my grandmother. Then, from the age of 16, I always had a guy in my life. First, I was dependent on Aaron. Then I had a huge crush on Paul Ryan. Finally, when I met Dusty, I thought I had a chance to be myself and make my own choices. I was rebelling against my family who didn't approve of our relationship and I thought that made me independent. And I was, at first. But eventually, I had grown to depend on Dusty without even noticing. I realized just how much I depended on him when he pushed me away and broke my heart. I didn't know what to do without him. It was then that I had to face my life without him and I realized that even though I thought I was independent, I was far from it. I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet without Dusty or anyone else holding me up. My entire life, I wasn't able to do anything on my own and going to college was my chance to spread my wings and learn to be independent.

Not only was independence an issue, but I was also having a sort of identity crisis. Most people think they know who I am because of my family. I come from a wealthy, affluent family and people assume things about me. That I'm spoiled, pampered, and a princess. I'm not going to pretend that to some extend those things aren't true, but that isn't who I am. Sure, I'm Lucinda Walsh's grandaughter. Yes, Sierra Esteban, the former President of Montega, is my mother. And, of course, I am Craig Montgomery's daughter. But those things are just a part of who I am. I'm not just La Walsh's granddaughter, the Montegan President's daughter, or Dusty Donovan's girlfriend. I am LUCY MONTGOMERY. I didn't really know what being Lucy Montgomery meant when I was in Oakdale, but I'm starting to learn a lot of things about myself now that I'm at school. Once I know who I am, I await the day I can return to Oakdale with my head held high. And when people ask who I am, I'll know. I won't say "Craig Montgomery's daughter," "Lily Snyder's niece," or "Lucinda Walsh's grandaughter." I'll say proudly "I'm Lucy Montgomery!"

Missing Dusty

2006-02-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

It's been a year since I said good-bye to the love of my life and left for college. Most people here think I'm crazy when I talk about Dusty. They just don't understand. We share an incredible bond, one that will connect us forever. How can I just forget that?