Lullaby Princess

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Summer Plans

So, since there is only a little over a month left of school, I've been thinking about what I'm going to do this summer. I already have my road trip planned with Alison and Aaron in May after exams, but what about the rest of the summer? What I'm trying to get at is that I think I want to go home to Oakdale this summer. Dusty's death has really taken a toll on me and I've realized that I can't take anything for granted. It's been so long since I've seen my family. I haven't seen them, except my mom, since I left for Williams. I haven't seen Daddy since he went away to prison. I hope he's ok and knows that, no matter what he's done, that I still, and always will, love him. I miss Aunt Lily, Uncle Holden, and Luke, Faith, and Natalie. I could even baby sit the girls this summer. With Aunt Lily being pregnant, I know she'll need the rest and I'd love to spend time with my little cousins. Luke could definitely use someone around. This Jade girl seems very suspicious, I hope he keeps his guard up around her. And I miss my grandmother so very much. She's my hero and I want to be there for her since I couldn't while she was going through her surgery. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her and I want to spend as much time as I can with her. Finally, maybe being in Oakdale for the summer will help me say goodbye to Dusty. I miss him so much is hurts. I just hope they find him and maybe we can pick up where we left off. A girl can dream, right?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Cape Cod

It's Spring Break and I'm here in beautiful Cape Cod, Massachusettes. My friends and I went to the beach today, but we only played football, looked for shells, and had a picnic since the water is so cold. We're going out for lobster tonight and I can't wait! YUM! Alison called the other night and we talked for two and a half hours about Williams, Seattle, Oakdale, and rehashed old memories. I also talked to Aaron for awhile. It was so good to hear their voices again. Spring Break's been great, it's been nice to get my mind off of all the things that have happened lately both at school with work and in Oakdale with Dusty. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like he's gone. I always thought I'd know if he was to ever leave me because I would feel so empty. Dusty and I are more connected than any two people on this planet. I think I'd know if he was really gone. It's like I expect him to just appear out of nowhere, alive and well. Crazy, huh?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Life and Family

I have a lot to get off my chest, so I guess I'll post twice today. Dusty's death has really hit me hard and it's made me think alot lately about what I want to do with my life and re-evaluate what's important to me. Family comes number one for me. I miss them so much. Seeing my mother here in Massachusettes has been great. I've really missed her since I've been away. Even though he's done so many horrible things, I deeply miss my father. I love him so much and I know he loves me more than anything. I just wish I could see him. I'll never take my family for granted, they mean too much to me. I hope they know that. I don't know what I'd do if I lost them too.

Rest in Peace, My Love

What am I going to do? I can't believe Dusty is gone, just like that. The love of my life, dead before I could tell him how much I still, and always will, love him. I haven't told anyone here, because they all assume that I'm over Dusty and, mostly, because I just don't want to talk about it. Nobody here knows Dusty, our relationship, what we've been through together, or what we mean to each other. I cried for about an hour after my grandmother called with the news. Rob knows something is wrong, but what am I supposed to tell him? "I'm sorry, the love of my life that I never got over just died and I'm so heartbroken that I can barely function?" It just feels as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I can't make the pain go away. It kills me to think that I'll never see, touch, or kiss him ever again. I'll never feel his arms around me. I'll never feel the electricity between us when we look at each other. To be honest, I guess I've never given up on a future with Dusty even though I know we've both "moved on." I always pictured us married, living in Oakdale with our children. Now, I'll never have that dream. So what am I supposed to do now?